DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Super- man jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.


Scientific Phrases - What They Say and What They Mean

"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" – The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph. 2 The best results are shown.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" - Once.
"In case after case" - Twice.
"In a series of cases" - Thrice.
"It is believed that" - I think.
"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"
1) I don't understand it. 
2) I need more grant money. 
3) I can get at least one more paper out of this.
"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" – Not dropped on the floor.
"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.
"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.
"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.
"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that
"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.
"This research has left many questions unanswered." – I didn't find anything of significance.
"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.


Signs You Have A Lead Foot

* You're the first person to be put on the FBI's most wanted list just for speeding.
* Your friends car pool with you not to save gas but to save time.
* You need three states just to go on a joy ride.
* You have a suspended drivers license in all 50 states.
* When you stop you leave a mile long skid mark.
* You married your wife because she had a corvette.
* Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is even faster."
* You get blisters from your gas pedal.
* Your car won't start unless it has 110 octane gas in it.
* You get pulled over even when your not speeding just to get a warning not to speed.
* You always leave at the last minute but you're never late.
* Your friends leave a hour before you do just so you can meet them at the same time.
* You don't wear a seatbelt, you wear a crash helmet.
* Your speed gauge is stuck in the max speed position.
* You can go through three drive thrus at the same time.
* There's a radar detector named after you.


Top Ten Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun

"Once you get a little buzz going, my poll numbers don't look so bad"
"Secret service!  He's choking on a nacho"
"NAFTA?  Don't they make auto parts?"
"I'll have a non-alcoholic pina colada...just kidding, juice me up, Pepe!"
"Holy crap, how'd they move these pyramids from Egypt?"
"When do I get to meet Zorro?"
"Cozumel?  Isn't that the chick I made Secretary of State?"
"Couldn't we have stayed home and gone to Chi-Chi's?"
"As president of the United States, I pledge to do whatever's necessary to help the Cancunians!"
"Feels great to get away after three straight weeks of work"


You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...

* You wake up face down on the pavement.
* You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
* You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.
* Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
* Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
* You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
* Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
* Your pet rock snaps at you.
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
* Your income tax refund check bounces.
* Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.


If Men Got Pregnant...

* Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
* There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
* All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.
* Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
* They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
* Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.
* Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.
* They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."
* Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
* They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
* Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.


A SECRETARY'S RULES FOR WORK

1. Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.  I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.  In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.
10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.


Funny Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:  "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:  "Dr.  Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck:  "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck:  "Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan:  "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:  "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:  "Hello.  Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:  "We don't charge an arm and a leg.  We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:  "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:  "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:  "Push.  Push.  Push."
At an Optometrist's office:  "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:  "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:  "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:  "Salesmen welcome!  Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:  "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:  "No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:  "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"
At the Electric Company:  "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.  However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:  "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:  "Drive carefully.  We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:  "Best place in town to take a leak


MOTHERS FROM HISTORY

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:  "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:  "Can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:  "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:  "Again with the stovepipe hat?  Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER:  "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:  "But it's your senior picture.  Can't you do something about your hair?  OY!  Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:  "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allow- ance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:  "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:  "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."


Preparation for Parenthood

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine months.  After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.  Then go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.  Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds.  At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.  Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am.  Put the alarm on for 3am.  As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink.  Go to bed at 2:45am.  Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the dark till 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am.  Get up.  Make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.
5) Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  There, how does that look?
6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy an octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for this:  all morning.
7) Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube.  Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.  Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.  Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan.  And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like that.  Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there.  Get a quarter.  Stick it in the cassette player.  Take a family- size bag of chocolate cookies.  Mash them down the back seats.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.  There! Perfect!
9) Get ready to go out.  Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.  Go                                                               out the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.  Come back in.  Go out again.  Walk down the front path.  Walk back up it again.  Walk down it again.  Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.  Retrace your steps.  Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you.  Give up and go back in the house.  You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times.  Go to your local supermarket.  Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child.  A fully grown goat is excellent.  If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your week's groceries without let- ting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.  Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11) Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.  Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.  Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone.  Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.  You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!


WEIRD QUESTIONS ASKED OF LIBRARIANS

* "Do you have that book by Rushdie:  'Satanic Nurses'?"
* "Where is the reference desk?"  This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
* "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95.  Do you know which one it is?"
* "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
* "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
* "I need a photocopy of Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate."
* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
* "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."


What The Teacher Says and What He or She Really Means

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.  (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.  (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination!  Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.  (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.  (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous.  Superior hand-eye coordination.  (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.  (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.  (Classroom lawyer!  Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.  (He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.  (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10.  I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.  (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11.  Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.  (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12.  I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.  (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13.  Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!  (A mouth that never stops yacking).